Sometimes I sit down to tap out a beauty post and partway through a half-hearted description of a lipstick I realise that there is something much bigger on my mind, and something I'd much rather be writing about. I love to think of this as a positive place, so I tend to feel guilty discussing those "negative" parts of life we all go through. However, there isn't really anything "positive" about hiding raw emotion and masking it with a fake-positive review of a beauty product. Today I am trying to abandon that guilt that seems to haunt me whenever I make a post that is possibly "too real". This is real life and there is a real person behind this blog, so what's wrong with writing a real post?
In these past months I have seen the biggest learning curve of my life in terms of who I am and where I want to be. Of course, as soon as you go and make these kinds of statements life tends to do a complete 180, but as for the moment I'm typing this I feel confident in my image of the future. Before I came to Paris the future was a hazy mess I didn't like to think of, there were things I was avoiding, parts of myself I was unwilling to let grow - I was in a multi-year rut catalysed by leaving highschool, which is something that still hurts to admit. I like to think of this as the 20-something crisis, that weird place between being a teenager and a fully fledged adult that is masked with fear and confusion.
Moving through this period is something we all have to do, I really don't know anyone who isn't going through this and there is definitely comfort to be found in that notion. It's more of a waiting game, I think, for that big moment that will snap you out of it. I don't claim that I've completey jumped through, as I am still only 21 and I'm sure when it comes to university graduation there is going to be another hurdle, but I've made progress at the very least. I can sit down with confidence and write down the things I want to achieve in the next month, six months, and year or two. Looking even six months into the future used to cripple me with fear and there was absolutely no clarity - I was just going through the weekly motions, with this vague idea I'd graduate and move onto something else and this is what made me miserable in my life.
Moving to Paris put a goal my horizon, something exciting that I had never tackled before and I was going to experience it all on my own. I've said it a million times, but I felt like a weight was lifted as I walked through the departure gates, and that weight has returned knowing that I have to leave here in two months time. Coming here changed me, how I think and everything else everyone says will happen to you when you live abroad. I've made lifelong friends, dealt with guys, broken friendships - it feels like I've lived this separate, encapsulated lifetime yet it's only been six months. I want to preserve this world, my life, here but I know that it has to come to an end at some point. The thing keeping me going at this point is knowing that it's not goodbye, but see you soon, as I intend to return as soon as I graduate at the end of this year and this goal has given me clarity on my direction in life.
What I want more than anything out of this is to hear your stories, if you've had similar experiences and if you are going through these same struggles.
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